The Top Ten Don'ts of Working at ******** ***********

I can't reveal the company name now, but here are my 'Top Ten Don'ts' if you ever should wind up working with these dozey, moronic gimps:

10. Don't expect *****'s humour to be funny, mildly amusing or even worth paying attention to. He really is a sad, pathetic, power-hungry little man.

9. Don't expect your invoices to not be scrutinised and questioned.

8. Don't expect **** to know what you are talking about, even if the subject is 'Sub-ten integer addition' or 'How to make tea with just hot water and a tea bag'.

7. Don't expect a full week to expire without hearing the word 'meeting'. You will probably have to go to one of these 'meetings'.

6. Don't expect not to feel a slight glint of depression in your heart every time you see *****.

5. Don't expect a thing. Unless it's bad.

4. Don't expect a day away from the company to go by without a string of phone calls from ***** having a ridiculous, stupid panic in his ridiculous, stupid accent. Ear Ache.

3. Don't expect any kind of freelance privacy. Expect to be asked questions like "Where else are you working?", "How much do they pay you there?" on a very regular basis.

2. Don't expect either ***** or **** to understand what freelance actually means. You will be asked to carry out work tasks, unpaid, for free from home. Best advice from me is to say "Yes" and then not do it.

1. Don't ever ever ever expect any praise for any work you carry out, unless:
a) It follows one of their 'pep-talks' (telling offs) so that they can then claim the credit for your improvement;
b) It follows around ten complaints about the quality of your work.

That really is the beginners guide. Believe me, at this point in time, I can't wait to name and shame my personal 'Company of the Year', but I will.